Today I did something a little crazy. I let my daughter have a ditch day!
Here is her creation!
Here is my painting!
It was a really great experience that I almost missed out on. I used to have this obsession with my kids having perfect attendance. Now I realize that it is okay for our children to miss one day of school every once in a while to have a new and different experience. Life is about so much more than good grades and standardized tests. Perhaps if my parents had done the same for me when I was a child I wouldn't have had to create this site! I hope you all enjoy our paintings!
So I was driving along earlier today and I had a really morbid thought... "What if I died today?"
At first I thought well, I wouldn't care because I would be dead. Then I thought about the people I would be leaving behind. My initial thoughs were that no one would really care. I mean there would be some people who would be sad. They would probably say "she was a nice person". But I don't really see too many people being distraught.
Let's face it, all of my friends have other friends. The company I work for has other employees. Even my parents have another child. My husband could always remarry. Sure he would miss me doing the laundry and dishes at first but he would get used to it.
Then I thought of my children. Oh, they would miss me. They don't have another mom. Not that they don't have other people in their lives who love and care for them, but no one who does it like me. That's when it dawned on me. I am irreplaceable. I may not be irreplaceable to everyone but I am to those who matter most to me. Even my husband who could find another wife will never find another me.
The fact is that although I may not impact the lives of many, I have a great impact on the people I care most about. That is important to me. I actually do what I do everyday thinking about my children and my husband. I think about how I can make them happy. I think about sharing the things that make me happy with them.
Please don't get me wrong. My immediate family are not the only people I care about. I care about my friends, my extended family and all of you. To be honest I think of you as my family too. It's just that when I think of being replaced, I can't even imagine someone replacing me in the lives of those select few.
Also, I just want to add that I am very happy and I am in no way considering doing anything drastic like committing suicide or up and leaving my friends and family. Death is a part of life and thoughts of ones own death are part of life too. However, if you feel that you think of death in excess please call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255 or visit this website http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Over the years I have really tried to live up to the expectations that others had for me, even when they were not in line with my own expectations. I have come to realize over the past few weeks that it isn't fair to myself to live my life according to what other people want for me. I only get one life and at the end I don't want to look back on my life and say, "I did what he thought was best for me and learned to knit" or "I really made her happy by finishing law school". I'm using arbitrary examples here but you get my drift.
I want to look back at my life and think, "I'm really glad I tried painting" and "I never would have thought that I would have made a good seamstress, until I tried!" Even now, I look back on my life and there just aren't enough of those statements. I've tasted different menu items at a bunch of chain restaurants and I've watched a bunch of TV shows and movies. I've watched other people live their lives instead of living my own.
Recently I've tried a few things:
I'm so glad I've tried these things! Trying these things has made me hungry for more life experiences. There are so many things I want to do now. Even though there are people in my life who make comments that let me know how little they believe in me, I believe in myself. I am finally starting to live for me. I've never been so happy or felt so alive. I'm not giving this feeling up for anyone!