I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. Thus far, I've learned three things that I want to change immediately!
1. I eat too much chocolate.
2. I spend too much money.
3. I make too many excuses.
I don't know if I've always been this way, but I definitely seek instant gratification. I want what I want when and how I want it. I don't know about you, but I know that I need to be more patient.
Maybe it is a result of not having set any long-term goals for myself. I really need to look at the big picture first and then focus on the different components that make up that picture. I think that will help me to reduce to stop overeating, overspending and making too many excuses.
So... I have to admit that I am really proud of myself for getting this far. When I finally faced the fact that I really don't know me at all, that led me to the second hardest part of my journey. If what they say is true, and the most difficult part is admitting you have a problem, then the runner up has to be figuring out where to go from there.
I've decided that it may be best for me to examine my life up until this point. Perhaps I can learn something about myself by looking at the how's and why's that led me to this place in my life.
There have been several major changes in my life that I believe have had an impact on who I am today. Two of the things that are most easily identifiable are becoming a wife and mother. These are the moments when your life stops being all about you. Before getting married and having children, I dreamt of getting married and having children. Once I got married and had children their dreams became my dreams. It didn't happen overnight but eventually I stopped thinking about what I wanted out of life for myself and began thinking about only what I wanted for them and their lives.
I have heard it so many times, that in order to care for someone else you have to take care of yourself. I am learning firsthand just how true that is.
Have you ever found yourself in a place where you are unhappy and you cannot pinpoint a specific reason? That is where I find myself now. I have a great family, a good job and I am relatively young and healthy. When I look at my life on paper, I don’t have any reason to be discontented with my life. However, I feel like there is something missing from my seemingly perfect life. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. I have been feeling this way for several months now. After many restless nights and deep thought and self reflection I have determined that I am not content with my life because I am not content with myself.
When I was a child, I had so many thoughts and visions for what my adult life would be like. My reality is definitely a far cry from what I thought it would be. Although I have a good job, it is not fulfilling. Have you ever heard the saying, “If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life”? Well, I definitely work everyday, EVERYDAY.
Even though my desires have changed since I was in high school, I know that I am not even pursuing any desires right now. I am in a rotten place of simply maintaining what I have. Sometimes I feel like I am not even living my life but that my life is living me. Over the past several years I have been doing all things that I thought were necessary for my job or my family. I have been completely neglecting the other parts of me. I have lost my sense of purpose and even worse my identity.
I have a big birthday coming up in just a few days. I realized just how lost I was when someone asked what I had planned for this milestone birthday and I didn’t even have a response. Not only did I not have any plans but I couldn’t even think of anything that I wanted to do to celebrate my birthday.
So now I am faced with these questions that I don’t have answers to, I don’t even know how to find the answers I am looking for.
What do I enjoy doing?
What would I be doing with my time and energy if I didn’t have to go to work?
Outside of my family, what is important to me?
What do I want to experience before I die?
I feel that I should be able to answer these questions. I am hoping that I will not only find the answers to these questions but that I will also discover the path that my life should be on so that I can finally get off of this circular track.